When geeks land in bad fiction on Friday Arvo's - part 7

...too busy playing pick up sticks with the ageing secretary, not just any version of pick up sticks either - this was the limited edition version where the sticks were made from the tie dyed quills of deceased echidnas. But that was then and this was now and Otto read with interest the strange message scratched in the "sand" that he suddenly saw at his feet. He looked around him, startled; searching for someone who may be watching. He had never seen this on any of his previous trips here and the scratches looked new. It read "maybe they forced a goat to sniff snuff and sneeze and the sneezing got the goat off?" What on in blue blazing blazers brought from Brashes did that mean thought Otto! The thought that there was a message scratched into a beach of polished rocks didn't seem to occur to him at all and he sat heavily on the large, smooth rocks (which had been painted to look like sand) and stared off into the distance, his fingers absent-mindedly tracing the strange words and his toes dipping into the cold sour milk that had been dyed a strange and horrid looking murky green grey colour in order to look like the sea at a typical English beach. He was deep in thought analysing the alliteration when Helen appeared to hover over the polished rocks. Her purple polka dot socks poking out of her green jelly sandals hypnotising Otto and sending him...

When geeks land in bad fiction on Friday Arvo's - part 6

...roll up a superman comic to stick behind her head to cushion the enthusiastic bumping against the sticky wooden floor. She kept glimpsing herself in the shattered mirror and pretending that she had just won the Nobel Prize for entomology and was enjoying the robust attentions of the highest scientific minds in a plush hotel room in Geneva. It was when she flitted about amongst these fanciful dreams that she would think back to all those times her mother had told her about the birds and the bees and she would have a slight nagging feeling that somehow she had confused something along the way about which bees she was meant to be studying, especially as she had found herself a frequent visitor of her many and varied lecturers many and varied offices and at many and varied out of office hours and in many and varied inappropriate outfits. She smiled a wicked and content smile at these thoughts and this was enough to finish the Geek off as he squealed the words "mura fisahr!!", a Vulcan phrase meaning: "drop your phaser!" which were the first words that popped to his head and of which Agnes understood not a word but it made her feel like she should be dropping some sort of phaser, which was a rather odd sensation, she thought. As Agnes contemplated the oddities of her own private thoughts the Geek collapsed, utterly spent like a tube of toothpaste that just cannot be squeezed any further, onto her and finally allowed us to take a break from their awkward writhing and stilted intimacy and skip to another part of town to join the Geeks father and his giant labradoodle called Helen. Helen and The Geek's father (for the ease of the writer and the reader, let's call him Otto, shall we? For even though that is not his real name, we should endeavour to protect his privacy for the intimate details we are yet to reveal about him may embarrass and distress him. So Otto it is for now, and to continue:) Helen and Otto were frolicking on the beach, and while this may sound lovely, it was not. The beach was not an idyllic beach but a perfect example of those horrid English beaches where rocks polished by an age of being licked by the waves replace sand and where it was constantly gloomy, miserable and wet in a way that beaches shouldn't be wet. What made this even odder, was that the beach was not in England (nor Wales for that matter!), but in the middle of the Australian bush. It was in fact a movie set; old, mouldering and deserted by a group of idealistic young film makers who had the magnificent idea of making an English period drama in the harsh Australian climate, ploughed all of their life savings and the last scrap of their creative enthusiasm into the project before admitting defeat and turning away to drink themselves into a sorrowful mess.

The movie set was a favourite place for Otto to come to as it managed to remind him of not just his young carefree days in England where he had wooed and seduced the Geek's and Gladys' mother Robert, as well as the early happy days with the two kids before they became the blood sucking life draining wretches they had turned into, but mostly because it reminded him of the joys he had found in the arms of his ageing secretary two days before at that same deserted movie set beach. Helen barked like a dog that had smoked 10 packs of cigarettes a day since her puppy days as she sniffed a drying dog poo left by herself two days before as she watched her master and the bony secretary doing strange things together on the ground. They had intrigued and disgusted her and the turd was her way of expressing that to Otto. Not that he had noticed, of course. He was...